Monday, January 4, 2010

Tiny Pentacles Hooked into my Heart

Monday night, I had a funny feeling. X told me he was going out with you and my body reacted physically to that information. My heartbeat and breath quickened as I wondered if you'd be impulsive or horny enough to seek random booty that night, but then caught myself in that thought and let go of it. Choosing not go into the mental space where anxiety may have ensued, I felt liberated. So instead, I entered a self-portrait portfolio contest and packed my costume items for the next day.

In letting go of those ridiculous fearful thoughts, you sent me a something like a booty call text. Your decision to call on me instead of seeking random booty made me secretly glad. It was a rather glorious feeling. I had to gather my wits about myself for a moment because there is still a part of my psyche that wants to slide back into digressive patterns of lesser self worth. It's getting a little easier for me to become aware of the dichotomy of old and new behaviors struggling within me. But, of course I want you to come over and sex me into oblivion. While you're at it, could you just stay forever?

Our clandestine meetings are ever so ideal in romantic theory, but it's honestly not enough for me, granted there is a part of me that would be happy just being in your presence, but that part is diminished when I consider my emotional priorities. I do not like feeling like just a piece of ass. Despite of our rapport, I still did. That's why it was actually easy for me to deny you. I have no regrets because my self worth and dignity remained stable and intact. The fact that I was on my moon cycle and had an early morning excuse was just the Universe's way of confirming my self-assertion. But of course, the yearning for you only gets stronger. It would be so maddeningly easy for me to fall into the heart chasm that lies before the pedestal on which I've placed you.

The truth of this matter is that I've never felt so inspired by a single person whom I've had a strong, almost primal attraction to. It's almost baffling what to do with this energy because the experience is unprecedented. So I take it moment by moment, and whatever compels me and feels right, I do. Sometimes I want to reach you, but feel like it's too much too soon as I can barely contain these feelings. I mistake these energies for love, and in its own way, it is indeed love, but not solely of the romantic kind. That's why when we hook up, I am in awe and disbelief that it's happening, because it feels surreal. And it is, because all we have is a diaphanous connection.

The best way for me to cope with shedding the old skin and harnessing this newfound energy is to create. So instead of chasing your tail, I eat my own.

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