2007

Vulnerability Catharsis

photos courtesy of Theo Jemison

I haven't been completely real with you.
When I sought you out, it was a mixture of embracing inspiration and seduction. Your image seemed so ideal, so complete, and I fell for it bigtime. I was ready for a challenge, something more difficult but worth the effort.

So the night we first hung out, it was surreal. And then it became more surreal as you wanted to come back to my place. And the sex was surreal. Too much, too soon surreal. As in, this isn't what I want right away surreal. Meaningless and fleeting and still surreal. If I could put your hand on my chest when you're near, it would feel like cardiac arrest. Playing it cool was never my strength, I am as emotional as a raging bonfire. And here you are, in my bed, sleeping like a beast curled around his lovedoll. It was so mind-blowing, I can't even remember what it feels like to sleep next to you. And I keep asking myself, is this real? And every time I received messages from you, I was on a high. And when there were no texts or IMs, I was moody. WTF, this never happens. I don't sweat guys.

Then came The Devil card. All those words like tiny pentacles hooked into my heart. I was 14 years old again, being deflowered by my best friend's boyfriend on the sly, bleeding and not knowing what was happening. Is this what love feels like, because I have no idea. Surely it is, but is this all? But in a way, I asked for my demons to come to light so that I can exorcise them. I fear rejection and abandonment. There, I said it. I know I emphasized how important it was to me to have a friendship with you. I still mean it, but this feels like less of a friendship, and more like an ongoing craigslist encounter. I would make excuses for you (pisces, busy, blah blah) when my friends ask about 'the new guy'. No, we're not dating. No, we don't hang out. Is it because I am utterly intimidated and not myself around you? Look at this sprawling mess I've gotten myself in. I don't even know who I am. I am not present, not self-referring. I am a tear in the fabric between old and new. My head is stuck in that bewitching cloud of smoke you leave behind after we have sex. Sex, to me, still feels very much like love, especially with someone I feel an emotional draw to. Is it purely physical to you? It still feels like the only times you seek me out are when you're feeling lascivious. Have I cultivated this position for myself to be the devil's secret concubine? Jeez, I'm so much more than that.

I met your friends (S, J, etc) when I hung out with E one night. He had the impression that I was into him, but honestly, I am more into you than anybody I have ever been into, boyfriends included. So there was concern on my part that unfortunate rumors would sway your mind. I could eat an entire chocolate bunny right now.

When you told me you read my blog, I was definitely interested more in your feelings about what I'd wrote. I'd like to know where I stand in your life, even if it is the lowest rung. It seems that you may still be emotionally attached to your ex, as well as still with her, which kinda makes you emotionally unavailable. Once, you texted that I had you feeling "tres weird", which was inexplicable on your part. Nothing further? Because I'd like to know. Bad. Because I like you. A LOT. And it pains me to feel like I'm covertly chasing a grey cloud of smoke. Somebody barely available or not even tangible in my life. But I'm still giving it up and putting out like some easy sucker-for-love. I made myself vulnerable to you, wore my heart on my sleeve. Never have I even thought of doing that for an unknown stranger. Impulsively stupid. It's ok, I can handle being stupid sometimes, because I know I'm not.

Maybe this is how you move, but I am a hurricane of feelings right now. I just wanted you to know all this. I don't play games very well. This is me and this is how I feel.

Death Bear comes to my door

Hello, Death Bear.

Welcome to my home. Watch out for that chandelier above your head. Wow, you're at least 7' tall. Do your hands get cold? They're quite beautiful hands for a bear.

So when you take these mementos which trigger sadness and heartbreak for others back to your cave, does your cave absorb the energy of these objects?

Death Bear says, "The energy is neutralized. I am a walking black hole."

A public service for the broken-hearted.

Aptly, I felt like some small weight had been lifted when I surrendered some benign objects to his duffel bag. HH doesn't really weigh on my heart so much anymore. The one who does weigh on my heart, I had no benign objects with which to surrender. So be it. It's all symbolic anyway. But I do find myself giving in to these trifles of effort on my emotional release. Much thanks to my friend Dean who scheduled this bizarrely fantastic encounter.

The weather is frigid and has taken over my heart. I cannot feel love the way I used to anymore.

DeathFace vs. Death Bear

It seems that the only times I really blog are during Mercury Retrograde. Here we are again, in 2010, after both a full blue moon and the transition of a new year beginning under the guise of Mercury's arresting position. I started this new year being somewhere I didn't really want to be, passed out on the floor against a bar stool. So not a good look. Well, I'm highly adaptable. And if this year has a few more punches to throw my way, bring it on. I am ready to light this pyre and burn everything in existence in exchange for a new reality. Unmitigated truth. It seems that the rainbow has turned black, and I have succumbed to this new darkness with new, invigorating fervor. Yes, let's do this. Death Bear is coming tomorrow to take all of my rancid memories of HH away. I hope he stays for a while.

Midnight Magick

The first of many SuperConscious collaborations

Costumes: Jeff Cook

Styling: Jeff Cook and Dan Paul Roberts

Tiny Pentacles Hooked into my Heart

Monday night, I had a funny feeling. X told me he was going out with you and my body reacted physically to that information. My heartbeat and breath quickened as I wondered if you'd be impulsive or horny enough to seek random booty that night, but then caught myself in that thought and let go of it. Choosing not go into the mental space where anxiety may have ensued, I felt liberated. So instead, I entered a self-portrait portfolio contest and packed my costume items for the next day.

In letting go of those ridiculous fearful thoughts, you sent me a something like a booty call text. Your decision to call on me instead of seeking random booty made me secretly glad. It was a rather glorious feeling. I had to gather my wits about myself for a moment because there is still a part of my psyche that wants to slide back into digressive patterns of lesser self worth. It's getting a little easier for me to become aware of the dichotomy of old and new behaviors struggling within me. But, of course I want you to come over and sex me into oblivion. While you're at it, could you just stay forever?

Our clandestine meetings are ever so ideal in romantic theory, but it's honestly not enough for me, granted there is a part of me that would be happy just being in your presence, but that part is diminished when I consider my emotional priorities. I do not like feeling like just a piece of ass. Despite of our rapport, I still did. That's why it was actually easy for me to deny you. I have no regrets because my self worth and dignity remained stable and intact. The fact that I was on my moon cycle and had an early morning excuse was just the Universe's way of confirming my self-assertion. But of course, the yearning for you only gets stronger. It would be so maddeningly easy for me to fall into the heart chasm that lies before the pedestal on which I've placed you.

The truth of this matter is that I've never felt so inspired by a single person whom I've had a strong, almost primal attraction to. It's almost baffling what to do with this energy because the experience is unprecedented. So I take it moment by moment, and whatever compels me and feels right, I do. Sometimes I want to reach you, but feel like it's too much too soon as I can barely contain these feelings. I mistake these energies for love, and in its own way, it is indeed love, but not solely of the romantic kind. That's why when we hook up, I am in awe and disbelief that it's happening, because it feels surreal. And it is, because all we have is a diaphanous connection.

The best way for me to cope with shedding the old skin and harnessing this newfound energy is to create. So instead of chasing your tail, I eat my own.